You,me aur Zindagee

5th December 2012

Mjhe hairat hai khud pay ....kaise wo seerhiyaan charhtay chrtay us  horn ki awaz pay mai ruk  gaee thee???...aur  phir palat kay deka to wo tum hee thaay...na dil zor say dharka...na koi aur ehsaas hua...bus hairat huee.aur aik bay naam see khalish... jaise koi cheez halak mai phas gayee ho..aur bhe to gaariyan theen us sarak pay ..agay peechay ...phir mjhe kis cheez nai peechay murnay pay majboor kia....tumharee ahat nai ...haan wo tumharee ahat hee to thee...tumharee ahat bhala mai kaise na mehsoos kartee...tum jo rage jaan say bhe qareeb thaay...meri rooh ki sachaee thaay ...mera sub kuch thaay ...par meray na thaay...

kitni ajeeb hoon main...muhabbatein bhe meri ajeeb ..nafratein bhee kamaal...khahishain bhee ajeeb...
waisay kia waqaee mai koi jag say niralee hoon ...ya shaid aik outcast ...jo is dunya k liye misfit hoon ..mai kyun apnay rishtay nibhanay mai nakaam rahee ???
rishtay hee kitnay thaay meray paas...wo bhe unfulfilled...

aik maa...usko bhe kbhee khush nahee rakh sakee ...shaid mai nai koshish hee nahee ki...shaid mai usko blame kartee rahee  apni nakaam zindagee k liye...halankay uska to koi qasoor nahee thaa...wo to khud mazloom theee ...shaid ye sab ussi ko hurt karnay ki saza  hai..shaid nahee ..yaqeenun 
lekin ab bhe is rishtay ko nibhanay k liye kch bhe nahee kar rahee main...bayhiss hoon main ..ya phir badnaseeb...
 baba
..ye lafz meray liye sirf aik lafz hai...aur koi maani naheen ...sochtee hoon wo bhe to aik insaan thaa...aik baap...kia us ko kbhee ehsaas naheen hua hogaa k uski aik aur beti bhe hai ...his first born .....whom he never saw...kbhee dekhnay ya milnay ki khwahish bhe nahee huee hogee usko...aisa kaisay koi pathar dil ho saktaa hai k apnay he khoon say bayparwa rahay...chobees saalon mai aik baar bhe nahee baba...kbhee dil nahee chaha aap ka k mujhe dekhtay...miltay...baat kartay...dekhtay to sahee k mai aap say resemble kartee hoon k naheen ?
pehli baar jab mai nai aap ko call ki thee.shaid us din 7th May thee ...meri birthday ...mai nai socha thaaa k dramatize karoon gee thoraa saa...is liye aap say kaha k 21 years pehlay aaj ki date say aap ko kuch yaad aya ?to aap ka jawab thaa k mai ab boorha ho gaya hoon ...mjhe 21 saal pehlay ki baatain kab yaad ho saktee hain???
dil jaise ruk gayaa...inko meri date of birth bhe yaad naheen...phir zabt kar k kaha...thoraa zehan pay zor dain ..shaid yaad aa jaye ..magar aap nai apnay brain matter ka kch zikar kiya...mjhe bohat takleef huee...phir himmat kar k kaha k aapko to yaad nahee magar aap ki aik beti hua kartee thee Abbottabad mai ...for what seemed like ages you went all quiet....aur mera dil jaisay ruk gaya....pata nahee uskay baad aapka pehla word kia thaa...kch yaad nahee...but phir hum nai greetings exchange keen ...aaap nai poocha k mai kia kartee hoon ..studies k baaray mai ...formal baatein ...jab mai nai kaha k aap say milna chahtee hoon to aap nai kaha k mai zaroor milon gaa tum say aur khud call bhe karoonga...phone band kartay kartay aap nai mjh say kaha k mai bilkul waisee lagtee hoon jisay aap chahtay thaay k aapki beti ho...pata nahee mai nai kia kaha thaa ...shaid koi tanzeea baat ..jis pay aap nai kaha k ye baatein phone pay naheen ho sakteen ...hum jab milain gay to sab baatein karain gay...
uskay baad aap ko pata hai mai kaisay har bell pay bhaag bhaag k phone uthatee thee..k aap ki call aaae gee..magar na aee aapki wo much awaited call...kitnay din guzar gaye...khud ko taweelain day k convince kartee rahee..busy hongaay..shaid abbottabad aa k call karain k mai aa gaya tum say milnay...
kitna plan kia mai nai k kaun s dress pehnoo gee.. apnay baba ko pehlee dafa milnay jaoon gee to..lekin mai itni jo khush qismat hotee to kia thaa...
phir aik din dobaara call ki ...aur is baar ye soch k ki k this would be the last time...agar aap koi contact naheen rakhna chahtay to mai bhe phir aap ko call nahee karoon gee...ab to mjhe dhang say yaad bhe nahee k hamaree kia baat huee but aap nai mjhay kaha thaa"Bachay phone pay sab baatein nahee kar saktay...mai milnay aaoon  gaa tum say ...aur phir wo waqt kbhee nahee aaya...main bohat roee..bohat intezaar kia...but naa aap nai call ki ..na milnay aay ..aur phir main nai bhe dobaara contact nahee kia ..ghussay..gham ..aur afsos say..
Aap kyun nahee aaye thaay baba???aap dartay thaay naa??meray sawalon k jawaab naheen thaay naa aap k paas?issi liye na baba??aap mjhe kehtay to mai aap say kch na poochtee...koi sawal na kartee...mai koi gila shikwa na kartee baba...aap bus aik baar mil to laitay mjhe...mjhe pyar say meray naam say bulatay..wo naam jo aap nai mera rakha thaa...aik baar mera haath pakartay...sirf aik baar apnay seenay say lagatay...aik baar mai apkay kandhay pay sar rakh k bohat sa ro leti to shaid meri rooh pay lagay wo zakham bhar jatay baba..I would have forgiven you baba...I swear mai maaf kar deti...ab bhe to kar diya mai nai aap ko maaf baba....aap ka kia qasoor...qasoorwaar to mai hee thee..mai hee hoon ..hai naa baba????????????????????

Sept 1st 2011

She felt as if she was stabbed right in the middle of her heart...
Pain was unbearable...she stood still wanting to cry aloud..
To scream at the top of her voice ..but as if she had lost her
voice...everything stood still ..the only sound was that of her
bleeding heart..drop by drop..draining away the last bit of hope
out of her soul..those tiny fists clasped in her hands moved &
she opened her eyes...to look at part of her own flesh ..part of
her soul gazing at her with pleading eyes don't let me go ..I'm your
own reflection..your only hope..( to be contd)

Celebrating Eid-Aug2011

Eid a time to rejoice,celebrate and enjoy with your loved ones
a time when you forgive and forget all past grieviences and start
afresh..here I am ..all alone without my kids..thanks for
giving me another reason to despise our relationship..to curse
myself for choosing you & trusting you with my life...thanks for
ruining it all for me .yet again !!!!
I'm sure it added another feather in your cap..your male Ego
satisfied..making you a sure shot winner!You did it again
yet again!!

Emptiness prevails....just these thoughts remain
As if I m a tiny speck of nothingness...invisible to your
eye..you trample my soul with mud slithered Shoes..
And then walk away ..triumphant in all your glory and self
created aura...never looking back ..not even once ..to take
a glimpse at the damage done!!after all it was nothing!!!